Valentine's Day Blues

Well, Valentine's day came and went. My big day consisted of going to get my hair cut and highlighted, which was fun, getting gas, and dropping off the dry cleaning. I was upbeat (despite the fact my DH was in California on a business trip). I came home expecting to see flowers perched on my front step, and none were there. I waited the rest of the day, and still now flowers!!! Now, DH is usually really good about sending flowers, and he was so thoughtful and took me out to the Ballet last weekend since he would be gone for Valentine's day, and that was my Valentine's day present. Now, I didn't get flowers then, nor did I get any yesterday. If he were here, he would have come home with flowers, so I thought that since he was away that he would have some sent to the house!! But no!! So, I was talking to him on the phone yesterday evening and he was getting ready to go out to dinner with one of our friends in SF (an older lady from our church, she's widowed and didn't have any children, so she's lonely), and I insisted on helping him choose some flowers for her (so that he didn't get any cheap or ugly ones). I wanted him to buy orchids, since those were the flowers she carried at her wedding (and so did I). But Cost Co didn't have any orchids (I think they must have been bought out earlier that day, Cost Co always has orchids), so we were discussing other options, and I mentioned that I was going to go to Cost Co here and buy myself some orchids. He asked why, and I said that I didn't get any flowers today, he reminded me of the ballet, and I said that I still haden't gotten any flowers, so I was going to buy my own.

I'm sure it's the Clomid that is making me overly sensitive and easily lonely and depressed. However, DH is usually sooooooo thoughtful and sensitive to my feelings about his business trips. It WAS thoughtful to go to the ballet last week, and he DID send me an e-card, but I still thought he would have sent me flowers so that I had something special when he was so far away. I bought a card and sent it to his hotel so that he would get it when he checked in. (I hope it made it there). I don't know if I'll actually go out and get the flowers for myself, but maybe. I guess it depends on how much I want to avoid leaving the house. It's freezing here!!!

Well, just a little irksome thing, I'll get over it. As far as TTC, today was my last dose of Clomid. I get the u/s Monday, and hopefully an IUI on Thursday. We'll just see if my uncooperative body complies with the plans. We can only hope that it will.

Clomid Again

Well, It's day #4 and yesterday I had crazy bad cramps with alot of bleeding. It was awful all day, thank goodness I didn't have to work. Today is better, so hopefully tommorow will be okay for work. I can't imagine having to run around the unit and care for patients feeling like I did yesterday. It was a cycle without Clomid, so I wonder if the lack of Clomid had something to do with the increased cramps and bleeding.

I'm really hoping that this cycle works, it still is so frustrating to hear about all of our friends and family who are getting pregnant and having babies, and I feel like I'm just left behind. I've started trying before half of our friends, and I still haven't had any success. I keep looking for anything that could be causing the infertility. I'm looking into doing some acupuncture, I mean, it can't hurt, and may at least help me deal with the stress of infertility if not helping with the infertility itself.

So, I'm looking forward to this third IUI with our third Clomid cycle. Hopefully it works.

The Break Ends

Well, today is day 1, the break is over. I made my ultrasound appointment for next Monday, which works since I don't work that day. My hope is that they want to do the IUI on Thursday so that I don't have to call off work, since Thurs is the only day that I don't work after the ultrasound and before we go out of town for my parent's party. I really really really hope this cycle works. I've stopped some of my arthritis medications, and I'm not going to drink ANY coffee during this cycle, and hopefully it works. This is the last clomid cycle. DH and I have agreed that next cycle we will do the injectibles. This is scary on many levels. 1st, because it's a new medicine and has a higher incidence of multiples, 2nd, because it is one more step towards IVF, which is one step closer to the end of the line. I'm still so scared that we'll get to IVF and try it, and have it not work, and be told that I've reached the end of the line and still can't have babies. I'm scared of adoption, not because I feel like I'll be giving up having genetic children, but because adoption seems so much more uncertain. I mean, if you get pregnant and have a baby, nobody can take it away from you (unless you do something awful), but if you adopt, there is always the potential for a mother to change her mind and take the baby back. Maybe I watch TV too much, maybe I'm over analyzing, but I'm scared.

So, I'll just keep worrying, and obsessing, and hoping that this cycle works!!