Injects #2 Fails, but not as I had thought

I just found out that my last AF wasn't really an AF, it was a miscarriage. For whatever strange reason, I took a pregnancy test at home this past weekend. It was positive. I didn't allow myself to get too happy since I had just had AF, and not a kind of AF, not a light AF, but a full blown, bloody mess. Thus, I was confused that the second line appeared. But, I went in to the office and got a quantitaive HCG which was 148, a definate positive. I didn't allow myself to get too happy, but they told me to take the progesterone supplements and come back in three days for a second test. Today, the number was 84. So, I had a pregnancy that implanted, but didn't stay, and I miscarried it (which was AF). Thus, I learned that I can create a baby, and let it implant, but hopefully next time if I take progesterone, maybe it will stick. It still was difficult news to hear, but hopefully it will work next time. I only have two more left. I'm trying not to cry, and trying to look at this as a good thing, since it shows me that at least this stuff is sort of working, and hey, if I can concieve a baby, maybe next time it will stick and stay for the whole 9 months. I'm trying really hard to be positive. So, tonight I'll have a nice big glass of wine (which I have been denying myself for the past three days) and take my cold medicine to get rid of all this snot that is in my sinuses, and pray for it to work next time.

Injects #2 Fails

AF showed AGAIN!!! I couldn't even call anybody or leave the house Friday because I started spotting, I just sat at home and felt sorry for myself. Then on Sunday I swear, everybody had a baby with them. I mean, usually one family is there with kids, (we have a really small congregation) but Sunday, there were kids everywhere! This one lady was there and had two little boys and was about 7 months pregnant with #3!!! How unfair!! I actually started tearing up and had to stop myself from crying during the service.

Well, now I have to take this month off because AF showed up on Saturday, and I couldn't make an appointment over the weekend and I had to work today. Plus, I think that we're going to be in New Orleans during the time we'd need to be actually doing the IUI, so hopefully next cycle will work out better timing wise.

I've started to feel kind of hopeless. I really have started to get this feeling that I'll never get pregnant. Like one of those dresses that is soooooo perfect and just so amazing that you just know that you'll never see it in your closet. Or like this amazing house that we're looking at now, but I know it's too amazing to be for us, and we'll never get it. I'm just so afraid that I really won't ever get pregnant. I have one or two more cycles of injects and then we have to wait until I'm at least halfway done with my CRNA program to start IVF. And that isn't guarenteed!! I'm also starting to wonder if this has anything to do with my Rheumatoid Arthritis. It makes sense, if my immune system is in overdrive, it attacks my joints and tendons, and can attack other body parts too, is it so much of a stretch to think that maybe it's rejecting embryos? Is there any connection between autoimmune diseases and infertility. Maybe I'm just overthinking it, i've been told by rheumatologists and OB's that there isn't a problem, but if they can't figure out why I'm not getting pregnant, how can they tell me that things are not the reason.

So, another cycle begins and DH and I will "try on our own", of course a year of "trying on our own" hasn't gotten us anywhere, and trying with drugs and IUI's hasn't gotten us any further. Life sucks!!!

Injects #2

AF showed up, I was so hopeful last month. I felt cramping and a kind of wierd feeling in my abdomen, and thought AF was showing, but nothing came, it continued for several days, and I started thinking maybe I actually was pregnant. I kept reminding myself not to get excited, not to hope, and it turns out that I was right not to get my hopes up. AF showed up, and ended the hope. It was only one follicle, so I shouldn't be surprised, but it was awful. So, I got my baseline ultrasound, which surprisingly showed non overstimulated ovaries. So I got the go ahead for injects cycle 2. This time I'm using 150units of the Follistim.

So, on day 8 (yesterday) I got my second ultrasound, and I expected to hear that I needed to do the IUI Friday, but instead the Dr. said that I have several smaller follicles and he said to continue with the injects and get another ultrasound on Friday, he thinks I'll do the IUI on Monday. Of course, both of these appointments are on days I'm scheduled to work, so I switched with another nurse, so I'm off Friday and work Sat, and I'm off Monday, but work Thursday. I'm going to talk to my manager to see what the best way to handle any other cycles because I can't take off in the middle of the day or come in late or leave early since I work from 7am to 7pm (really more like 830pm).

Well, yesterday after my ultrasound which showed small follicles, I had been noticing some cramping on my right lower abdomen, along with something that felt kind of like bladder spasms. Well, it got worse when I was on my way to my IV pump inservice, and got really bad during the inservice, so much so that I called the Dr's office, they said that I could come in for another ultrasound, but that since my follicles were small, it was probably not hyperstimulation, and that since I'm kind of small, it's probably just the side effects. So I sucked it up, and promised to call if it got worse. then I threw up the milkshake I had just eaten. Fortunately, after going home, drinking some water, and taking a nap on a heating pad, I felt better. I'm still feeling kind of crampy and sore, but not like yesterday.

This cycle we're using frozen sperm, DH is out of town this week and next week. It sucks, but it's better than cancelling the cycle. I just so want a baby, I know I'm obsessing, but I've never wanted something this much, or been so afraid of not being able to suceed if I just put enough effort into it. I'm so afraid of trying all of this, and doing everything, and not being able to have a baby.