Well, now we're going on vacation to CT to visit DH's parents. I couldn't do this last cycle with injects because we were going to be in New Orleans for too long so they couldn't monitor my follicles for too many days, so we had to not do that cycle. Now I'm hoping that AF doesn't show up while we're in CT because that would put a halt to this next cycle too. I start school in August, and I really want to get every cycle in that I can.
I'm waiting for my books for school, and they haven't shown up yet, I'm also waiting for my books for my PALS course next month, and two dresses that I ordered from VS. All of which will probably arrive while we're gone. Thank goodness my neighboor will be watering our plants and picking up the mail. I just wish I could have my PALS books to take with me to CT. Not exactly great beach reading, but more useful than the trashy romance novels that I normally read.
I just want to be pregnant already!! It's really starting to wear on me, I mean, it wasn't easy for these past two years, but it's getting worse and harder to bear. I still worry that my Rheumatoid Arthritis is causing our infertilty or the meds I take for my RA.
Well, another couple of months and I'll be in school and worried about even more stressful things!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Injects #2 Fails, but not as I had thought
I just found out that my last AF wasn't really an AF, it was a miscarriage. For whatever strange reason, I took a pregnancy test at home this past weekend. It was positive. I didn't allow myself to get too happy since I had just had AF, and not a kind of AF, not a light AF, but a full blown, bloody mess. Thus, I was confused that the second line appeared. But, I went in to the office and got a quantitaive HCG which was 148, a definate positive. I didn't allow myself to get too happy, but they told me to take the progesterone supplements and come back in three days for a second test. Today, the number was 84. So, I had a pregnancy that implanted, but didn't stay, and I miscarried it (which was AF). Thus, I learned that I can create a baby, and let it implant, but hopefully next time if I take progesterone, maybe it will stick. It still was difficult news to hear, but hopefully it will work next time. I only have two more left. I'm trying not to cry, and trying to look at this as a good thing, since it shows me that at least this stuff is sort of working, and hey, if I can concieve a baby, maybe next time it will stick and stay for the whole 9 months. I'm trying really hard to be positive. So, tonight I'll have a nice big glass of wine (which I have been denying myself for the past three days) and take my cold medicine to get rid of all this snot that is in my sinuses, and pray for it to work next time.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Injects #2 Fails
AF showed AGAIN!!! I couldn't even call anybody or leave the house Friday because I started spotting, I just sat at home and felt sorry for myself. Then on Sunday I swear, everybody had a baby with them. I mean, usually one family is there with kids, (we have a really small congregation) but Sunday, there were kids everywhere! This one lady was there and had two little boys and was about 7 months pregnant with #3!!! How unfair!! I actually started tearing up and had to stop myself from crying during the service.
Well, now I have to take this month off because AF showed up on Saturday, and I couldn't make an appointment over the weekend and I had to work today. Plus, I think that we're going to be in New Orleans during the time we'd need to be actually doing the IUI, so hopefully next cycle will work out better timing wise.
I've started to feel kind of hopeless. I really have started to get this feeling that I'll never get pregnant. Like one of those dresses that is soooooo perfect and just so amazing that you just know that you'll never see it in your closet. Or like this amazing house that we're looking at now, but I know it's too amazing to be for us, and we'll never get it. I'm just so afraid that I really won't ever get pregnant. I have one or two more cycles of injects and then we have to wait until I'm at least halfway done with my CRNA program to start IVF. And that isn't guarenteed!! I'm also starting to wonder if this has anything to do with my Rheumatoid Arthritis. It makes sense, if my immune system is in overdrive, it attacks my joints and tendons, and can attack other body parts too, is it so much of a stretch to think that maybe it's rejecting embryos? Is there any connection between autoimmune diseases and infertility. Maybe I'm just overthinking it, i've been told by rheumatologists and OB's that there isn't a problem, but if they can't figure out why I'm not getting pregnant, how can they tell me that things are not the reason.
So, another cycle begins and DH and I will "try on our own", of course a year of "trying on our own" hasn't gotten us anywhere, and trying with drugs and IUI's hasn't gotten us any further. Life sucks!!!
Well, now I have to take this month off because AF showed up on Saturday, and I couldn't make an appointment over the weekend and I had to work today. Plus, I think that we're going to be in New Orleans during the time we'd need to be actually doing the IUI, so hopefully next cycle will work out better timing wise.
I've started to feel kind of hopeless. I really have started to get this feeling that I'll never get pregnant. Like one of those dresses that is soooooo perfect and just so amazing that you just know that you'll never see it in your closet. Or like this amazing house that we're looking at now, but I know it's too amazing to be for us, and we'll never get it. I'm just so afraid that I really won't ever get pregnant. I have one or two more cycles of injects and then we have to wait until I'm at least halfway done with my CRNA program to start IVF. And that isn't guarenteed!! I'm also starting to wonder if this has anything to do with my Rheumatoid Arthritis. It makes sense, if my immune system is in overdrive, it attacks my joints and tendons, and can attack other body parts too, is it so much of a stretch to think that maybe it's rejecting embryos? Is there any connection between autoimmune diseases and infertility. Maybe I'm just overthinking it, i've been told by rheumatologists and OB's that there isn't a problem, but if they can't figure out why I'm not getting pregnant, how can they tell me that things are not the reason.
So, another cycle begins and DH and I will "try on our own", of course a year of "trying on our own" hasn't gotten us anywhere, and trying with drugs and IUI's hasn't gotten us any further. Life sucks!!!
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Injects #2
AF showed up, I was so hopeful last month. I felt cramping and a kind of wierd feeling in my abdomen, and thought AF was showing, but nothing came, it continued for several days, and I started thinking maybe I actually was pregnant. I kept reminding myself not to get excited, not to hope, and it turns out that I was right not to get my hopes up. AF showed up, and ended the hope. It was only one follicle, so I shouldn't be surprised, but it was awful. So, I got my baseline ultrasound, which surprisingly showed non overstimulated ovaries. So I got the go ahead for injects cycle 2. This time I'm using 150units of the Follistim.
So, on day 8 (yesterday) I got my second ultrasound, and I expected to hear that I needed to do the IUI Friday, but instead the Dr. said that I have several smaller follicles and he said to continue with the injects and get another ultrasound on Friday, he thinks I'll do the IUI on Monday. Of course, both of these appointments are on days I'm scheduled to work, so I switched with another nurse, so I'm off Friday and work Sat, and I'm off Monday, but work Thursday. I'm going to talk to my manager to see what the best way to handle any other cycles because I can't take off in the middle of the day or come in late or leave early since I work from 7am to 7pm (really more like 830pm).
Well, yesterday after my ultrasound which showed small follicles, I had been noticing some cramping on my right lower abdomen, along with something that felt kind of like bladder spasms. Well, it got worse when I was on my way to my IV pump inservice, and got really bad during the inservice, so much so that I called the Dr's office, they said that I could come in for another ultrasound, but that since my follicles were small, it was probably not hyperstimulation, and that since I'm kind of small, it's probably just the side effects. So I sucked it up, and promised to call if it got worse. then I threw up the milkshake I had just eaten. Fortunately, after going home, drinking some water, and taking a nap on a heating pad, I felt better. I'm still feeling kind of crampy and sore, but not like yesterday.
This cycle we're using frozen sperm, DH is out of town this week and next week. It sucks, but it's better than cancelling the cycle. I just so want a baby, I know I'm obsessing, but I've never wanted something this much, or been so afraid of not being able to suceed if I just put enough effort into it. I'm so afraid of trying all of this, and doing everything, and not being able to have a baby.
So, on day 8 (yesterday) I got my second ultrasound, and I expected to hear that I needed to do the IUI Friday, but instead the Dr. said that I have several smaller follicles and he said to continue with the injects and get another ultrasound on Friday, he thinks I'll do the IUI on Monday. Of course, both of these appointments are on days I'm scheduled to work, so I switched with another nurse, so I'm off Friday and work Sat, and I'm off Monday, but work Thursday. I'm going to talk to my manager to see what the best way to handle any other cycles because I can't take off in the middle of the day or come in late or leave early since I work from 7am to 7pm (really more like 830pm).
Well, yesterday after my ultrasound which showed small follicles, I had been noticing some cramping on my right lower abdomen, along with something that felt kind of like bladder spasms. Well, it got worse when I was on my way to my IV pump inservice, and got really bad during the inservice, so much so that I called the Dr's office, they said that I could come in for another ultrasound, but that since my follicles were small, it was probably not hyperstimulation, and that since I'm kind of small, it's probably just the side effects. So I sucked it up, and promised to call if it got worse. then I threw up the milkshake I had just eaten. Fortunately, after going home, drinking some water, and taking a nap on a heating pad, I felt better. I'm still feeling kind of crampy and sore, but not like yesterday.
This cycle we're using frozen sperm, DH is out of town this week and next week. It sucks, but it's better than cancelling the cycle. I just so want a baby, I know I'm obsessing, but I've never wanted something this much, or been so afraid of not being able to suceed if I just put enough effort into it. I'm so afraid of trying all of this, and doing everything, and not being able to have a baby.
Friday, April 13, 2007
IUI #4
I got my fourth IUI yesterday. I had to take call off work, so I end up having five days off in a row. This is really nice. So, yesterday I rested the whole day after the IUI, and convinced DH to have sex before he left for his business trip. Today, however, I decided to clean my entire house. I even did the windows. If this cycle doesn't work, the Dr said that he wants to do more hormone tests at the beginning of my cycle. I didn't ask, but i'm sure it's the estrogen, progesterone, LH, FSH, etc. I didn't really pay tons of attention in my OB/GYN courses since I knew i wouldn't be doing that type of nursing.
The injects weren't too bad, the needles were really small and didn't hurt really at all. I gave myself 100units every day from day 3 to day 7. I only had one follicle at the u/s which was disappointing. I had expected more than one, but the Dr says that with the injects the uterine lining is usally better. So, I gave myself the trigger shot and got the IUI and now I get to wait and hope.
The injects weren't too bad, the needles were really small and didn't hurt really at all. I gave myself 100units every day from day 3 to day 7. I only had one follicle at the u/s which was disappointing. I had expected more than one, but the Dr says that with the injects the uterine lining is usally better. So, I gave myself the trigger shot and got the IUI and now I get to wait and hope.
Monday, April 2, 2007
I just ordered $1400 of drugs
I just ordered my injectible meds. I'm spotting today and I'm starting my first injects cycle this month. So, I have to get my meds and I think I start on day 3. Scary, exciting, and hopeful. I'm just so afraid that it won't work, but I'm afraid of that each cycle, it's just that if injects don't work, then the next (and final step) is IVF. DH and I have agreed that we won't start that until I'm at least half done with my CRNA program. So, hopefully this will work. I just hope that our going out of town isn't a problem. We are leaving for Pittsburgh Thursday night and will be there until Monday, so hopefully they won't be wanting to do any ultrasounds during my little Easter Vacation. I suppose I could do some lab tests there, I assume that LabOne is in Pgh too, but the ultrasounds would be tougher. Today I'm preparing for our little road trip (it's only 4.5 hours by car) to visit our family. We will be staying with DH's sister and my two nieces. I've been waiting for awhile for this trip. We're bringing DH's other sister her present for doing our taxes (she's an accountant), we got her an enormous stainless steel grill, but the trick will be loading it into our SUV ourselves. I think she'll love it, she always cooks for the family, and her grill is rusting away, so it's perfect for her. I now have to go shopping for a birthday present for my niece and my nephew. I've got alot to do today!
I still can't believe that I'm going to school in September. I can't believe that I'm going to be a nurse anesthetist, and that I'll get to intubate people and keep them safe and alive during surgery etc. I still can't believe the stuff I do right now as a nurse in the ICU. When I think about all the stuff I manage right now, I'm amazed, I can't imagine that I'm about to get more responsibility and more autonomy. It's scary working in the ICU and managing IV infustions of sedation and vasopressors, and teaching the families about what is going on with their family members, I'll be doing more soon, and there will be even less room for mistakes! Scary. I had a dream about it last night, so it's getting more real as school is getting closer. Hopefully I'll do well.
I still can't believe that I'm going to school in September. I can't believe that I'm going to be a nurse anesthetist, and that I'll get to intubate people and keep them safe and alive during surgery etc. I still can't believe the stuff I do right now as a nurse in the ICU. When I think about all the stuff I manage right now, I'm amazed, I can't imagine that I'm about to get more responsibility and more autonomy. It's scary working in the ICU and managing IV infustions of sedation and vasopressors, and teaching the families about what is going on with their family members, I'll be doing more soon, and there will be even less room for mistakes! Scary. I had a dream about it last night, so it's getting more real as school is getting closer. Hopefully I'll do well.
Friday, March 30, 2007
We get to stay
We decided not to move to Texas!! Yea! The part of me that didn't want to move took over, and DH's office made a really good offer to keep us here. So, it looks like the plan is what it always was, we try 3-4 cycles of injects and then put IVF off until I'm part way through with school. It also means that we get to go on vacation this year, which I have been looking forward too. We haven't been to Europe for two years, and I'm can't wait to go and visit.
I just got another birth announcement, DH's friend from high school just had twins. I cried, of course when I saw it. Now I have to go out and buy two cute little outfits for them. Our other friend also just sent us an e-mail announcement of her new baby, and we found out that our other friend is having another girl. Plus my good friend here is about ready to pop. I'm really kind of excited for her. I can't wait to see the baby. She's beautiful not pregnant, and she is even more beautiful pregnant. She is due the first week in May. She is really happy that we aren't moving, and so am I.
Right now I'm waiting for AF to show so that I can start my injects cycle. I'm afraid that it will show up just before or when we're out of town for Easter. So, I'm going to order them this week and take them with me. This just has to work!! I'm so sick of waiting, and I'm so afraid that it will never happen for me. I don't want to wait until school is over, I just want it now!!!
I just got another birth announcement, DH's friend from high school just had twins. I cried, of course when I saw it. Now I have to go out and buy two cute little outfits for them. Our other friend also just sent us an e-mail announcement of her new baby, and we found out that our other friend is having another girl. Plus my good friend here is about ready to pop. I'm really kind of excited for her. I can't wait to see the baby. She's beautiful not pregnant, and she is even more beautiful pregnant. She is due the first week in May. She is really happy that we aren't moving, and so am I.
Right now I'm waiting for AF to show so that I can start my injects cycle. I'm afraid that it will show up just before or when we're out of town for Easter. So, I'm going to order them this week and take them with me. This just has to work!! I'm so sick of waiting, and I'm so afraid that it will never happen for me. I don't want to wait until school is over, I just want it now!!!
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