We get to stay

We decided not to move to Texas!! Yea! The part of me that didn't want to move took over, and DH's office made a really good offer to keep us here. So, it looks like the plan is what it always was, we try 3-4 cycles of injects and then put IVF off until I'm part way through with school. It also means that we get to go on vacation this year, which I have been looking forward too. We haven't been to Europe for two years, and I'm can't wait to go and visit.

I just got another birth announcement, DH's friend from high school just had twins. I cried, of course when I saw it. Now I have to go out and buy two cute little outfits for them. Our other friend also just sent us an e-mail announcement of her new baby, and we found out that our other friend is having another girl. Plus my good friend here is about ready to pop. I'm really kind of excited for her. I can't wait to see the baby. She's beautiful not pregnant, and she is even more beautiful pregnant. She is due the first week in May. She is really happy that we aren't moving, and so am I.

Right now I'm waiting for AF to show so that I can start my injects cycle. I'm afraid that it will show up just before or when we're out of town for Easter. So, I'm going to order them this week and take them with me. This just has to work!! I'm so sick of waiting, and I'm so afraid that it will never happen for me. I don't want to wait until school is over, I just want it now!!!

I just want to stay home and sleep

DH and I had a discussion and we decided (after lots of tears and sniffles, etc) that if we don't move to Houston we will try the injects for four cycles and then wait until after my first year of school to start IVF so that we can save up some money for the procedures. If we do move, we will find an RE in Houston and either try a few cycles of injects or just move to IVF, depending on our insurance coverage for injects. So, I'm kind of conflicted about the potential move. Part of me would love to go to Houston and start IVF and put off school for a year, part of me is really scared about finding another hospital, starting a new job, making new friends. I also wouldn't probably be able to go to Europe in August since I'd be starting a new job, and I'd be leaving the safety of a city that I've gotten used to and all my friends that I've made both outside of work and at work. I guess we'll see what it's like in Houston this weekend. I kind of want to go since I'm still upset at the possibility of having to wait to start IVF until I've finished part of my schooling.

I have my second acupuncture appointment today. I'm not really looking forward to it, since it's not as relaxing as I had thought it would be. But if it helps me to get pregnant, I'll do anything.

Today is a grey icky day, I just want to stay home and watch TV and not do anything, but I have an apppointment at 3pm, I have to drop the vacation book off at work, and pick up maps of Houston, and go to the store to buy garlic. I just want to stay home, too bad for me. Unfortunately I have to go to work tommorow, then another acupuncture appt Wednesday, then work Thursday, then go to Houston on Friday. I just want to stay at home and mope and snuggle with my puppy.

Well, gotta go and prepare to leave the house.

More Waiting...

I just got back from the RE and it looks like we have to wait a cycle. My right ovary is still too stimulated from the Clomid. Stupid Ovary!! However, that means that I don't have to worry about getting the meds from the pharmacy. I was worried that they wouldn't be able to get me the meds in time (I would have needed to start today) since as of this morning, they hadn't gotten the script for the Follistim. I don't want to wait, but I have to. The RE said that we could "try on our own" this cycle. Well, we've had pleny of tries on our own, and my stupid body won't cooperate. But, I guess I have no choice, and I am doing acupuncture, so maybe that will help. However, DH and I were talking about just going to IVF if the cycle of injects doesn't work. Now, we may just skip the injects and do IVF. The stats show that the injects with IUI give about 17 - 20% success and IVF has about a 50% success rate. Injects will cost us about $500 per cycle, but the IVF will cost around $9000 per cycle (less if we have extra frozen embryos from a previous cycle). Or we can sign up for a shared risk where we pay $20,000 up front and get three IVF cycles, if we aren't pregnant after the three cycles, then we get around 95% of the 20K back, but if we get pregnant then we have spent 20K for the one pregnancy. Hmmmm.

Of course all of this may be moot since school is approaching and I don't know if DH will be up for IVF before school. Plus, if we move to Houston everything will be on hold for a month or two because we'd be moving in April. I hate all of these decisions I have to make, I hate waiting, I hate that I can't get pregnant without tons and tons of money and needles etc. and no guarentees, while people that can't take care of themselves much less a baby get pregnant all the time!!

I know that the world isn't fair, I know that I've gotten so very much in my life without much effort. I found a wonderful husband, where there are so many people that just can't find a special someone. I've gotten two Bachelor's degrees while there are people that can't get enough money and time together to even get an associates degree. I have so many blessings, and I feel like I'm being selfish and a terrible person because all I do is complain about the one thing that I can't get easily. But it is something that I want so badly, that I just get so frustrated. I just want to wake up one morning, pee on a stick, and find out that I'm pregnant, and I'm so scared because that day may never come. We keep getting closer to IVF and if that doesn't work, then that's it, I can't get pregnant, and I'm so frightened that it might happen. There are no guarentees, and some people can't have babies. I just never thought I'd be one of those people, but I may have to face the fact that I might be one of them.

Then I'm left with adoption. Not that adoption isn't wonderful, and if we can't have a baby, I'll be overjoyed to adopt one, but the whole process is even scarier than trying to get pregnant. I don't know if I can deal with getting excited and bonding with a baby and then having a birth mother change her mind and take it all away. It would just kill me to have that happen.

Acupuncture and Injectibles

Well, today I had my first acupuncture appointment. It was wierd. He placed needles in my feet, legs, abdomen, fingers, head, and ears. It wasn't what I expected, it was a bit painful but mostly wierd. I felt most of the discomfort when he put the needles in my abdomen, it was a wierd crampy feeling that went all the way down to the middle of my abdomen and felt kind of like when my ovaries are stimulated with the Clomid, plus wierd cramping down towards my groin area. It was wierd, but I'm going back for more on Monday. He also gave me herbs, I'm not sure about taking them, but I'll sleep on it.

I also get to stick myself with some needles. I'm going to start injectibles tommorow, if my insurance company cooperates. The pharmacy that my Dr called the script into doesn't work with my insurance company anymore, so I had to call my company, and get the number of the company they do work with, then call my Dr. office to give them the information, and now I'm waiting for them to call me back so that I can give them the fax number. Hopefully they will call me soon so we can get the ball rolling on this. I also have to go into work today at 3 for some training and I have my baseline ultrasound tommorow. My insurance pays 50% of the cost of the injectibles, so it's really important that I get everything the proper way so they'll pay the 50%. It's awful that they have to make it sooooo complicated.

DH has been looking into the insurance coverage that we'd get in Texas, and it looks like they don't cover any infertility. So, we talked about it, and depending on the cost of IVF, we might just go straight to IVF if we move. If we have to pay for everything and IUI with injectables will cost $1000/cycle for the drugs alone, plus several hundred more for the sperm wash, ultrasounds, bloodwork, and IUI, then we might as well go with IVF since the success rates are higher. Scary!!!

I'm just frustrated, and scared, and not sure of what I want to do. I'm afraid that I won't get the injects this cycle in time, and that we'll loose more time, especially if we move and we'll have to wait more than one month to get the new insurance and find a doctor, and get seen, etc. Fortunately RE's seem to have dealt with enough antsy and time sensitive women to know not to piddle around and just get started with treatment. I guess I'll just have to have faith that everything will work out for the best. It's just difficult....

AF Again!

Well, today was the day I could test, but it looks like AF has spared me the drive to the office for bloodwork. She showed up today finalizing my failure on Clomid. Now I have to get an ultrasound to check my ovaries before starting on the injectibles. Then if my ovaries are not still stimulated from the Clomid, I start injectible meds. I guess I have mixed feelings about this. My inability to get pregnant on Clomid even though I was producing good follicles, doesn't give me much confidence in the injectibles, I mean, all they do is produce more follicles, so how is that going to help. However, it's a new drug and a new protocol, and I heard that sometimes the injectibles produce better quality eggs, so that gives me some hope. I'm just so scared that this will fail too.

I have decided to give the injectibles a better chance, and have made my very first acupuncture appointment. It's a bit scary, since this is a Dr. that I don't know, and he'll be sticking needles in me, but he's an MD from China, and is an instructor at the Acupuncture school, so he knows what he's doing. It's just scary. I hope it works.

We have one more development. DH got an offer for a job in Houston. We are heading out there to see Houston. It's a good offer, and we'd be making more money, and the cost of living is lower in Houston than in Cincinnati, and it would give me another year to try to get pregnant before going to school. However, that would mean giving up my spot in the CRNA program here in Cincinnati, leaving my job, and making all new friends in Houston. It's a tough call. I guess the trip to Houston might make the decision more clear, either we'll love it our hate it.

TWW

Well, I'm waiting for the day I can test!! I have to make it till Wednesday. This is the last Clomid cycle, and I really really really hope it works. I'm just so scared it won't, and I'll be disappointed again. I only had one follicle at the ultrasound, and I was disappointed since I think that lowers the chances of success.

We just got back from a wonderful weekend with my parents and our friends. We went down to Nashville for my parent's annual party which was a success. Our friends flew down to Nashville to attend. We had a wonderful weekend, and had lots of fun showing them around Nashville. I got to wear the new cocktail dress DH bought me for Christmas, and it looked great. Our little puppy had a great time begging for food all night. He got plenty of cheese and goodies that he shouldn't have, but he was happy. He alternated between wanting to be held and snuggled because of all the people and sitting in front of the tables with food trying to look pathetic so people would feed him.

We do have a new development, DH has just been offered a position in Houston, Texas. This is a big leap since DH would be leaving the Gvt and working in private industry for the first time. I would be turning down my acceptance to Anesthesia School and applying to two other programs. I would then be given an additional year to try and have a baby. If we stay here, and I don't get pregnant soon, we'll have to stop trying for a year while I'm in school and then try towards the middle of my second year of school. Since we've had so much trouble (and I'm not getting any younger) it's so scary to take even a month off, I can't imagine stopping for a whole year!! We're going out to Houston this month to see what we think. We've been looking at houses online, and we'd be able to get a bigger house, like 2000 sq feet bigger than our house. Everything IS bigger in Texas!! I'm kind of excited (especially about being able to have one more year before school) about Houston, I look so forward to NO MORE SNOW!! I hate the cold, and it's not cold there, ever! It gets really hot and humid there, but I'd much rather deal with four months of heat misery than four months of cold misery. I'm just worried about moving further away again from our family and our friends we've made here. I guess it will all work out.

It's Lent now, so I'm eating tons of fish and tofu. We're Serbian Orthodox, so we give up all meat and meat products (milk, eggs, etc) for Lent. It's difficult, but made better by all the vegan products on the market. I just had a vegan hot dog for lunch. We have tofu icecream, veggie burgers, vegan sausage, etc. Plus we eat tons of sushi and pad thai with shrimp.

I felt like such a terrible person this weekend. Our friends came to visit, and I know that she's been trying to convince him to have a baby, and he's been reluctant Well, we went out to the bar and she wasn't drinking all weekend, which is not normal for her, I mean, not even a single glass of wine. So, I figured that she must be pregnant! I was so upset, I felt awful that I was upset, which made it even worse. I mean, we had been married two years before they even met, we were in their wedding, and they're pregnant!! It's just so completely unfair, and I couldn't stomach yet another friend of ours announcing their pregnancy. Well, it turns out she wasn't pregnant, she had just had wayyyy too much to drink the weekend before and wasn't feeling like having anything alcoholic, especially since this was the first time she had met my parents and wanted to make a good impression. She had just found out that she wasn't pregnant. However, that means that they're trying, so it's only a matter of time before I have to suck it up and smile and congratulate them. I just hope I can get pregnant this cycle so that I can be more genuine in my congratulations. I feel like such a bad person, but I'd like to get pregnant before somebody!!!