More Waiting...

I just got back from the RE and it looks like we have to wait a cycle. My right ovary is still too stimulated from the Clomid. Stupid Ovary!! However, that means that I don't have to worry about getting the meds from the pharmacy. I was worried that they wouldn't be able to get me the meds in time (I would have needed to start today) since as of this morning, they hadn't gotten the script for the Follistim. I don't want to wait, but I have to. The RE said that we could "try on our own" this cycle. Well, we've had pleny of tries on our own, and my stupid body won't cooperate. But, I guess I have no choice, and I am doing acupuncture, so maybe that will help. However, DH and I were talking about just going to IVF if the cycle of injects doesn't work. Now, we may just skip the injects and do IVF. The stats show that the injects with IUI give about 17 - 20% success and IVF has about a 50% success rate. Injects will cost us about $500 per cycle, but the IVF will cost around $9000 per cycle (less if we have extra frozen embryos from a previous cycle). Or we can sign up for a shared risk where we pay $20,000 up front and get three IVF cycles, if we aren't pregnant after the three cycles, then we get around 95% of the 20K back, but if we get pregnant then we have spent 20K for the one pregnancy. Hmmmm.

Of course all of this may be moot since school is approaching and I don't know if DH will be up for IVF before school. Plus, if we move to Houston everything will be on hold for a month or two because we'd be moving in April. I hate all of these decisions I have to make, I hate waiting, I hate that I can't get pregnant without tons and tons of money and needles etc. and no guarentees, while people that can't take care of themselves much less a baby get pregnant all the time!!

I know that the world isn't fair, I know that I've gotten so very much in my life without much effort. I found a wonderful husband, where there are so many people that just can't find a special someone. I've gotten two Bachelor's degrees while there are people that can't get enough money and time together to even get an associates degree. I have so many blessings, and I feel like I'm being selfish and a terrible person because all I do is complain about the one thing that I can't get easily. But it is something that I want so badly, that I just get so frustrated. I just want to wake up one morning, pee on a stick, and find out that I'm pregnant, and I'm so scared because that day may never come. We keep getting closer to IVF and if that doesn't work, then that's it, I can't get pregnant, and I'm so frightened that it might happen. There are no guarentees, and some people can't have babies. I just never thought I'd be one of those people, but I may have to face the fact that I might be one of them.

Then I'm left with adoption. Not that adoption isn't wonderful, and if we can't have a baby, I'll be overjoyed to adopt one, but the whole process is even scarier than trying to get pregnant. I don't know if I can deal with getting excited and bonding with a baby and then having a birth mother change her mind and take it all away. It would just kill me to have that happen.