Hoping to plan AF's arrival

Well, now we're going on vacation to CT to visit DH's parents. I couldn't do this last cycle with injects because we were going to be in New Orleans for too long so they couldn't monitor my follicles for too many days, so we had to not do that cycle. Now I'm hoping that AF doesn't show up while we're in CT because that would put a halt to this next cycle too. I start school in August, and I really want to get every cycle in that I can.

I'm waiting for my books for school, and they haven't shown up yet, I'm also waiting for my books for my PALS course next month, and two dresses that I ordered from VS. All of which will probably arrive while we're gone. Thank goodness my neighboor will be watering our plants and picking up the mail. I just wish I could have my PALS books to take with me to CT. Not exactly great beach reading, but more useful than the trashy romance novels that I normally read.

I just want to be pregnant already!! It's really starting to wear on me, I mean, it wasn't easy for these past two years, but it's getting worse and harder to bear. I still worry that my Rheumatoid Arthritis is causing our infertilty or the meds I take for my RA.

Well, another couple of months and I'll be in school and worried about even more stressful things!

Injects #2 Fails, but not as I had thought

I just found out that my last AF wasn't really an AF, it was a miscarriage. For whatever strange reason, I took a pregnancy test at home this past weekend. It was positive. I didn't allow myself to get too happy since I had just had AF, and not a kind of AF, not a light AF, but a full blown, bloody mess. Thus, I was confused that the second line appeared. But, I went in to the office and got a quantitaive HCG which was 148, a definate positive. I didn't allow myself to get too happy, but they told me to take the progesterone supplements and come back in three days for a second test. Today, the number was 84. So, I had a pregnancy that implanted, but didn't stay, and I miscarried it (which was AF). Thus, I learned that I can create a baby, and let it implant, but hopefully next time if I take progesterone, maybe it will stick. It still was difficult news to hear, but hopefully it will work next time. I only have two more left. I'm trying not to cry, and trying to look at this as a good thing, since it shows me that at least this stuff is sort of working, and hey, if I can concieve a baby, maybe next time it will stick and stay for the whole 9 months. I'm trying really hard to be positive. So, tonight I'll have a nice big glass of wine (which I have been denying myself for the past three days) and take my cold medicine to get rid of all this snot that is in my sinuses, and pray for it to work next time.

Injects #2 Fails

AF showed AGAIN!!! I couldn't even call anybody or leave the house Friday because I started spotting, I just sat at home and felt sorry for myself. Then on Sunday I swear, everybody had a baby with them. I mean, usually one family is there with kids, (we have a really small congregation) but Sunday, there were kids everywhere! This one lady was there and had two little boys and was about 7 months pregnant with #3!!! How unfair!! I actually started tearing up and had to stop myself from crying during the service.

Well, now I have to take this month off because AF showed up on Saturday, and I couldn't make an appointment over the weekend and I had to work today. Plus, I think that we're going to be in New Orleans during the time we'd need to be actually doing the IUI, so hopefully next cycle will work out better timing wise.

I've started to feel kind of hopeless. I really have started to get this feeling that I'll never get pregnant. Like one of those dresses that is soooooo perfect and just so amazing that you just know that you'll never see it in your closet. Or like this amazing house that we're looking at now, but I know it's too amazing to be for us, and we'll never get it. I'm just so afraid that I really won't ever get pregnant. I have one or two more cycles of injects and then we have to wait until I'm at least halfway done with my CRNA program to start IVF. And that isn't guarenteed!! I'm also starting to wonder if this has anything to do with my Rheumatoid Arthritis. It makes sense, if my immune system is in overdrive, it attacks my joints and tendons, and can attack other body parts too, is it so much of a stretch to think that maybe it's rejecting embryos? Is there any connection between autoimmune diseases and infertility. Maybe I'm just overthinking it, i've been told by rheumatologists and OB's that there isn't a problem, but if they can't figure out why I'm not getting pregnant, how can they tell me that things are not the reason.

So, another cycle begins and DH and I will "try on our own", of course a year of "trying on our own" hasn't gotten us anywhere, and trying with drugs and IUI's hasn't gotten us any further. Life sucks!!!

Injects #2

AF showed up, I was so hopeful last month. I felt cramping and a kind of wierd feeling in my abdomen, and thought AF was showing, but nothing came, it continued for several days, and I started thinking maybe I actually was pregnant. I kept reminding myself not to get excited, not to hope, and it turns out that I was right not to get my hopes up. AF showed up, and ended the hope. It was only one follicle, so I shouldn't be surprised, but it was awful. So, I got my baseline ultrasound, which surprisingly showed non overstimulated ovaries. So I got the go ahead for injects cycle 2. This time I'm using 150units of the Follistim.

So, on day 8 (yesterday) I got my second ultrasound, and I expected to hear that I needed to do the IUI Friday, but instead the Dr. said that I have several smaller follicles and he said to continue with the injects and get another ultrasound on Friday, he thinks I'll do the IUI on Monday. Of course, both of these appointments are on days I'm scheduled to work, so I switched with another nurse, so I'm off Friday and work Sat, and I'm off Monday, but work Thursday. I'm going to talk to my manager to see what the best way to handle any other cycles because I can't take off in the middle of the day or come in late or leave early since I work from 7am to 7pm (really more like 830pm).

Well, yesterday after my ultrasound which showed small follicles, I had been noticing some cramping on my right lower abdomen, along with something that felt kind of like bladder spasms. Well, it got worse when I was on my way to my IV pump inservice, and got really bad during the inservice, so much so that I called the Dr's office, they said that I could come in for another ultrasound, but that since my follicles were small, it was probably not hyperstimulation, and that since I'm kind of small, it's probably just the side effects. So I sucked it up, and promised to call if it got worse. then I threw up the milkshake I had just eaten. Fortunately, after going home, drinking some water, and taking a nap on a heating pad, I felt better. I'm still feeling kind of crampy and sore, but not like yesterday.

This cycle we're using frozen sperm, DH is out of town this week and next week. It sucks, but it's better than cancelling the cycle. I just so want a baby, I know I'm obsessing, but I've never wanted something this much, or been so afraid of not being able to suceed if I just put enough effort into it. I'm so afraid of trying all of this, and doing everything, and not being able to have a baby.

IUI #4

I got my fourth IUI yesterday. I had to take call off work, so I end up having five days off in a row. This is really nice. So, yesterday I rested the whole day after the IUI, and convinced DH to have sex before he left for his business trip. Today, however, I decided to clean my entire house. I even did the windows. If this cycle doesn't work, the Dr said that he wants to do more hormone tests at the beginning of my cycle. I didn't ask, but i'm sure it's the estrogen, progesterone, LH, FSH, etc. I didn't really pay tons of attention in my OB/GYN courses since I knew i wouldn't be doing that type of nursing.

The injects weren't too bad, the needles were really small and didn't hurt really at all. I gave myself 100units every day from day 3 to day 7. I only had one follicle at the u/s which was disappointing. I had expected more than one, but the Dr says that with the injects the uterine lining is usally better. So, I gave myself the trigger shot and got the IUI and now I get to wait and hope.

I just ordered $1400 of drugs

I just ordered my injectible meds. I'm spotting today and I'm starting my first injects cycle this month. So, I have to get my meds and I think I start on day 3. Scary, exciting, and hopeful. I'm just so afraid that it won't work, but I'm afraid of that each cycle, it's just that if injects don't work, then the next (and final step) is IVF. DH and I have agreed that we won't start that until I'm at least half done with my CRNA program. So, hopefully this will work. I just hope that our going out of town isn't a problem. We are leaving for Pittsburgh Thursday night and will be there until Monday, so hopefully they won't be wanting to do any ultrasounds during my little Easter Vacation. I suppose I could do some lab tests there, I assume that LabOne is in Pgh too, but the ultrasounds would be tougher. Today I'm preparing for our little road trip (it's only 4.5 hours by car) to visit our family. We will be staying with DH's sister and my two nieces. I've been waiting for awhile for this trip. We're bringing DH's other sister her present for doing our taxes (she's an accountant), we got her an enormous stainless steel grill, but the trick will be loading it into our SUV ourselves. I think she'll love it, she always cooks for the family, and her grill is rusting away, so it's perfect for her. I now have to go shopping for a birthday present for my niece and my nephew. I've got alot to do today!

I still can't believe that I'm going to school in September. I can't believe that I'm going to be a nurse anesthetist, and that I'll get to intubate people and keep them safe and alive during surgery etc. I still can't believe the stuff I do right now as a nurse in the ICU. When I think about all the stuff I manage right now, I'm amazed, I can't imagine that I'm about to get more responsibility and more autonomy. It's scary working in the ICU and managing IV infustions of sedation and vasopressors, and teaching the families about what is going on with their family members, I'll be doing more soon, and there will be even less room for mistakes! Scary. I had a dream about it last night, so it's getting more real as school is getting closer. Hopefully I'll do well.

We get to stay

We decided not to move to Texas!! Yea! The part of me that didn't want to move took over, and DH's office made a really good offer to keep us here. So, it looks like the plan is what it always was, we try 3-4 cycles of injects and then put IVF off until I'm part way through with school. It also means that we get to go on vacation this year, which I have been looking forward too. We haven't been to Europe for two years, and I'm can't wait to go and visit.

I just got another birth announcement, DH's friend from high school just had twins. I cried, of course when I saw it. Now I have to go out and buy two cute little outfits for them. Our other friend also just sent us an e-mail announcement of her new baby, and we found out that our other friend is having another girl. Plus my good friend here is about ready to pop. I'm really kind of excited for her. I can't wait to see the baby. She's beautiful not pregnant, and she is even more beautiful pregnant. She is due the first week in May. She is really happy that we aren't moving, and so am I.

Right now I'm waiting for AF to show so that I can start my injects cycle. I'm afraid that it will show up just before or when we're out of town for Easter. So, I'm going to order them this week and take them with me. This just has to work!! I'm so sick of waiting, and I'm so afraid that it will never happen for me. I don't want to wait until school is over, I just want it now!!!

I just want to stay home and sleep

DH and I had a discussion and we decided (after lots of tears and sniffles, etc) that if we don't move to Houston we will try the injects for four cycles and then wait until after my first year of school to start IVF so that we can save up some money for the procedures. If we do move, we will find an RE in Houston and either try a few cycles of injects or just move to IVF, depending on our insurance coverage for injects. So, I'm kind of conflicted about the potential move. Part of me would love to go to Houston and start IVF and put off school for a year, part of me is really scared about finding another hospital, starting a new job, making new friends. I also wouldn't probably be able to go to Europe in August since I'd be starting a new job, and I'd be leaving the safety of a city that I've gotten used to and all my friends that I've made both outside of work and at work. I guess we'll see what it's like in Houston this weekend. I kind of want to go since I'm still upset at the possibility of having to wait to start IVF until I've finished part of my schooling.

I have my second acupuncture appointment today. I'm not really looking forward to it, since it's not as relaxing as I had thought it would be. But if it helps me to get pregnant, I'll do anything.

Today is a grey icky day, I just want to stay home and watch TV and not do anything, but I have an apppointment at 3pm, I have to drop the vacation book off at work, and pick up maps of Houston, and go to the store to buy garlic. I just want to stay home, too bad for me. Unfortunately I have to go to work tommorow, then another acupuncture appt Wednesday, then work Thursday, then go to Houston on Friday. I just want to stay at home and mope and snuggle with my puppy.

Well, gotta go and prepare to leave the house.

More Waiting...

I just got back from the RE and it looks like we have to wait a cycle. My right ovary is still too stimulated from the Clomid. Stupid Ovary!! However, that means that I don't have to worry about getting the meds from the pharmacy. I was worried that they wouldn't be able to get me the meds in time (I would have needed to start today) since as of this morning, they hadn't gotten the script for the Follistim. I don't want to wait, but I have to. The RE said that we could "try on our own" this cycle. Well, we've had pleny of tries on our own, and my stupid body won't cooperate. But, I guess I have no choice, and I am doing acupuncture, so maybe that will help. However, DH and I were talking about just going to IVF if the cycle of injects doesn't work. Now, we may just skip the injects and do IVF. The stats show that the injects with IUI give about 17 - 20% success and IVF has about a 50% success rate. Injects will cost us about $500 per cycle, but the IVF will cost around $9000 per cycle (less if we have extra frozen embryos from a previous cycle). Or we can sign up for a shared risk where we pay $20,000 up front and get three IVF cycles, if we aren't pregnant after the three cycles, then we get around 95% of the 20K back, but if we get pregnant then we have spent 20K for the one pregnancy. Hmmmm.

Of course all of this may be moot since school is approaching and I don't know if DH will be up for IVF before school. Plus, if we move to Houston everything will be on hold for a month or two because we'd be moving in April. I hate all of these decisions I have to make, I hate waiting, I hate that I can't get pregnant without tons and tons of money and needles etc. and no guarentees, while people that can't take care of themselves much less a baby get pregnant all the time!!

I know that the world isn't fair, I know that I've gotten so very much in my life without much effort. I found a wonderful husband, where there are so many people that just can't find a special someone. I've gotten two Bachelor's degrees while there are people that can't get enough money and time together to even get an associates degree. I have so many blessings, and I feel like I'm being selfish and a terrible person because all I do is complain about the one thing that I can't get easily. But it is something that I want so badly, that I just get so frustrated. I just want to wake up one morning, pee on a stick, and find out that I'm pregnant, and I'm so scared because that day may never come. We keep getting closer to IVF and if that doesn't work, then that's it, I can't get pregnant, and I'm so frightened that it might happen. There are no guarentees, and some people can't have babies. I just never thought I'd be one of those people, but I may have to face the fact that I might be one of them.

Then I'm left with adoption. Not that adoption isn't wonderful, and if we can't have a baby, I'll be overjoyed to adopt one, but the whole process is even scarier than trying to get pregnant. I don't know if I can deal with getting excited and bonding with a baby and then having a birth mother change her mind and take it all away. It would just kill me to have that happen.

Acupuncture and Injectibles

Well, today I had my first acupuncture appointment. It was wierd. He placed needles in my feet, legs, abdomen, fingers, head, and ears. It wasn't what I expected, it was a bit painful but mostly wierd. I felt most of the discomfort when he put the needles in my abdomen, it was a wierd crampy feeling that went all the way down to the middle of my abdomen and felt kind of like when my ovaries are stimulated with the Clomid, plus wierd cramping down towards my groin area. It was wierd, but I'm going back for more on Monday. He also gave me herbs, I'm not sure about taking them, but I'll sleep on it.

I also get to stick myself with some needles. I'm going to start injectibles tommorow, if my insurance company cooperates. The pharmacy that my Dr called the script into doesn't work with my insurance company anymore, so I had to call my company, and get the number of the company they do work with, then call my Dr. office to give them the information, and now I'm waiting for them to call me back so that I can give them the fax number. Hopefully they will call me soon so we can get the ball rolling on this. I also have to go into work today at 3 for some training and I have my baseline ultrasound tommorow. My insurance pays 50% of the cost of the injectibles, so it's really important that I get everything the proper way so they'll pay the 50%. It's awful that they have to make it sooooo complicated.

DH has been looking into the insurance coverage that we'd get in Texas, and it looks like they don't cover any infertility. So, we talked about it, and depending on the cost of IVF, we might just go straight to IVF if we move. If we have to pay for everything and IUI with injectables will cost $1000/cycle for the drugs alone, plus several hundred more for the sperm wash, ultrasounds, bloodwork, and IUI, then we might as well go with IVF since the success rates are higher. Scary!!!

I'm just frustrated, and scared, and not sure of what I want to do. I'm afraid that I won't get the injects this cycle in time, and that we'll loose more time, especially if we move and we'll have to wait more than one month to get the new insurance and find a doctor, and get seen, etc. Fortunately RE's seem to have dealt with enough antsy and time sensitive women to know not to piddle around and just get started with treatment. I guess I'll just have to have faith that everything will work out for the best. It's just difficult....

AF Again!

Well, today was the day I could test, but it looks like AF has spared me the drive to the office for bloodwork. She showed up today finalizing my failure on Clomid. Now I have to get an ultrasound to check my ovaries before starting on the injectibles. Then if my ovaries are not still stimulated from the Clomid, I start injectible meds. I guess I have mixed feelings about this. My inability to get pregnant on Clomid even though I was producing good follicles, doesn't give me much confidence in the injectibles, I mean, all they do is produce more follicles, so how is that going to help. However, it's a new drug and a new protocol, and I heard that sometimes the injectibles produce better quality eggs, so that gives me some hope. I'm just so scared that this will fail too.

I have decided to give the injectibles a better chance, and have made my very first acupuncture appointment. It's a bit scary, since this is a Dr. that I don't know, and he'll be sticking needles in me, but he's an MD from China, and is an instructor at the Acupuncture school, so he knows what he's doing. It's just scary. I hope it works.

We have one more development. DH got an offer for a job in Houston. We are heading out there to see Houston. It's a good offer, and we'd be making more money, and the cost of living is lower in Houston than in Cincinnati, and it would give me another year to try to get pregnant before going to school. However, that would mean giving up my spot in the CRNA program here in Cincinnati, leaving my job, and making all new friends in Houston. It's a tough call. I guess the trip to Houston might make the decision more clear, either we'll love it our hate it.

TWW

Well, I'm waiting for the day I can test!! I have to make it till Wednesday. This is the last Clomid cycle, and I really really really hope it works. I'm just so scared it won't, and I'll be disappointed again. I only had one follicle at the ultrasound, and I was disappointed since I think that lowers the chances of success.

We just got back from a wonderful weekend with my parents and our friends. We went down to Nashville for my parent's annual party which was a success. Our friends flew down to Nashville to attend. We had a wonderful weekend, and had lots of fun showing them around Nashville. I got to wear the new cocktail dress DH bought me for Christmas, and it looked great. Our little puppy had a great time begging for food all night. He got plenty of cheese and goodies that he shouldn't have, but he was happy. He alternated between wanting to be held and snuggled because of all the people and sitting in front of the tables with food trying to look pathetic so people would feed him.

We do have a new development, DH has just been offered a position in Houston, Texas. This is a big leap since DH would be leaving the Gvt and working in private industry for the first time. I would be turning down my acceptance to Anesthesia School and applying to two other programs. I would then be given an additional year to try and have a baby. If we stay here, and I don't get pregnant soon, we'll have to stop trying for a year while I'm in school and then try towards the middle of my second year of school. Since we've had so much trouble (and I'm not getting any younger) it's so scary to take even a month off, I can't imagine stopping for a whole year!! We're going out to Houston this month to see what we think. We've been looking at houses online, and we'd be able to get a bigger house, like 2000 sq feet bigger than our house. Everything IS bigger in Texas!! I'm kind of excited (especially about being able to have one more year before school) about Houston, I look so forward to NO MORE SNOW!! I hate the cold, and it's not cold there, ever! It gets really hot and humid there, but I'd much rather deal with four months of heat misery than four months of cold misery. I'm just worried about moving further away again from our family and our friends we've made here. I guess it will all work out.

It's Lent now, so I'm eating tons of fish and tofu. We're Serbian Orthodox, so we give up all meat and meat products (milk, eggs, etc) for Lent. It's difficult, but made better by all the vegan products on the market. I just had a vegan hot dog for lunch. We have tofu icecream, veggie burgers, vegan sausage, etc. Plus we eat tons of sushi and pad thai with shrimp.

I felt like such a terrible person this weekend. Our friends came to visit, and I know that she's been trying to convince him to have a baby, and he's been reluctant Well, we went out to the bar and she wasn't drinking all weekend, which is not normal for her, I mean, not even a single glass of wine. So, I figured that she must be pregnant! I was so upset, I felt awful that I was upset, which made it even worse. I mean, we had been married two years before they even met, we were in their wedding, and they're pregnant!! It's just so completely unfair, and I couldn't stomach yet another friend of ours announcing their pregnancy. Well, it turns out she wasn't pregnant, she had just had wayyyy too much to drink the weekend before and wasn't feeling like having anything alcoholic, especially since this was the first time she had met my parents and wanted to make a good impression. She had just found out that she wasn't pregnant. However, that means that they're trying, so it's only a matter of time before I have to suck it up and smile and congratulate them. I just hope I can get pregnant this cycle so that I can be more genuine in my congratulations. I feel like such a bad person, but I'd like to get pregnant before somebody!!!

Valentine's Day Blues

Well, Valentine's day came and went. My big day consisted of going to get my hair cut and highlighted, which was fun, getting gas, and dropping off the dry cleaning. I was upbeat (despite the fact my DH was in California on a business trip). I came home expecting to see flowers perched on my front step, and none were there. I waited the rest of the day, and still now flowers!!! Now, DH is usually really good about sending flowers, and he was so thoughtful and took me out to the Ballet last weekend since he would be gone for Valentine's day, and that was my Valentine's day present. Now, I didn't get flowers then, nor did I get any yesterday. If he were here, he would have come home with flowers, so I thought that since he was away that he would have some sent to the house!! But no!! So, I was talking to him on the phone yesterday evening and he was getting ready to go out to dinner with one of our friends in SF (an older lady from our church, she's widowed and didn't have any children, so she's lonely), and I insisted on helping him choose some flowers for her (so that he didn't get any cheap or ugly ones). I wanted him to buy orchids, since those were the flowers she carried at her wedding (and so did I). But Cost Co didn't have any orchids (I think they must have been bought out earlier that day, Cost Co always has orchids), so we were discussing other options, and I mentioned that I was going to go to Cost Co here and buy myself some orchids. He asked why, and I said that I didn't get any flowers today, he reminded me of the ballet, and I said that I still haden't gotten any flowers, so I was going to buy my own.

I'm sure it's the Clomid that is making me overly sensitive and easily lonely and depressed. However, DH is usually sooooooo thoughtful and sensitive to my feelings about his business trips. It WAS thoughtful to go to the ballet last week, and he DID send me an e-card, but I still thought he would have sent me flowers so that I had something special when he was so far away. I bought a card and sent it to his hotel so that he would get it when he checked in. (I hope it made it there). I don't know if I'll actually go out and get the flowers for myself, but maybe. I guess it depends on how much I want to avoid leaving the house. It's freezing here!!!

Well, just a little irksome thing, I'll get over it. As far as TTC, today was my last dose of Clomid. I get the u/s Monday, and hopefully an IUI on Thursday. We'll just see if my uncooperative body complies with the plans. We can only hope that it will.

Clomid Again

Well, It's day #4 and yesterday I had crazy bad cramps with alot of bleeding. It was awful all day, thank goodness I didn't have to work. Today is better, so hopefully tommorow will be okay for work. I can't imagine having to run around the unit and care for patients feeling like I did yesterday. It was a cycle without Clomid, so I wonder if the lack of Clomid had something to do with the increased cramps and bleeding.

I'm really hoping that this cycle works, it still is so frustrating to hear about all of our friends and family who are getting pregnant and having babies, and I feel like I'm just left behind. I've started trying before half of our friends, and I still haven't had any success. I keep looking for anything that could be causing the infertility. I'm looking into doing some acupuncture, I mean, it can't hurt, and may at least help me deal with the stress of infertility if not helping with the infertility itself.

So, I'm looking forward to this third IUI with our third Clomid cycle. Hopefully it works.

The Break Ends

Well, today is day 1, the break is over. I made my ultrasound appointment for next Monday, which works since I don't work that day. My hope is that they want to do the IUI on Thursday so that I don't have to call off work, since Thurs is the only day that I don't work after the ultrasound and before we go out of town for my parent's party. I really really really hope this cycle works. I've stopped some of my arthritis medications, and I'm not going to drink ANY coffee during this cycle, and hopefully it works. This is the last clomid cycle. DH and I have agreed that next cycle we will do the injectibles. This is scary on many levels. 1st, because it's a new medicine and has a higher incidence of multiples, 2nd, because it is one more step towards IVF, which is one step closer to the end of the line. I'm still so scared that we'll get to IVF and try it, and have it not work, and be told that I've reached the end of the line and still can't have babies. I'm scared of adoption, not because I feel like I'll be giving up having genetic children, but because adoption seems so much more uncertain. I mean, if you get pregnant and have a baby, nobody can take it away from you (unless you do something awful), but if you adopt, there is always the potential for a mother to change her mind and take the baby back. Maybe I watch TV too much, maybe I'm over analyzing, but I'm scared.

So, I'll just keep worrying, and obsessing, and hoping that this cycle works!!

A Break

Well, we're on a break now, since DH is out of town (when we would need to do the IUI). So, no drugs this month, no IUI, and no hope for a BFP. We'll do the Clomid again next month with IUI and hope for the best. We had a long debate between doing injectibles after this next cycle of Clomid or going straight to IVF. We decided to try at least one cycle of injectibles. The concern is that we might end up with multiples, with my arthritis, it would be a really bad thing to have more than one or two babies. However, since they can monitor the follicles pretty well, and if I have too many we can cancel the cycle, I feel comfortable trying the injectibles at least once to see how I respond. Then we'll make the decision to continue with a couple of injectible cycles or go to IVF.

I'm scared to do IVF. Not only is it pretty uncomfortable, but it's really expensive, and we'll have to pay the entire cost since it isn't covered by insurance. But it's also scary since it's pretty much the end of the line. They can't really do much else if it doesn't work. I'm so scared of potentially being told that there isn't anything else to try and that I can't get pregnant! Then I guess we'd have to decide between maybe using a surrogate, or adoption. All stuff I hope doesn't happen.

Well, I'll just try to focus on the positive, and hope for next cycle.

IUI #2

Well, IUI #2 is behind me. It didn't hurt as much as the first one. It's really difficult to be positive about this cycle when we don't know why we're not getting pregnant and our other cycles haven't worked. It seems that I produce good sized follicles and hopefully that bodes well for this cycle and future ones.

If this cycle doesn't work we will be doing one more and then have to face the question of injectibles vs. IVF. Injectibles run the risk of multiples (more than just twins) and have a lower success rate than IVF. But IVF is much more expensive and more painful and time consuming. I guess we'll discuss this with the Doc if this cycle doesn't work.

I'm just so sick of not being pregnant. I keep getting more discouraged every time I see someone pregnant or see a baby. I feel like I'll never get pregnant, I'm afraid that nothing will work.

I also found out that my husband's cousin and his wife have been having difficulty too. They have been trying for almost as long as we have. I can't help looking at all of the people who shouldn't have children that procreate with no problem at all, so many of these people have children left and right and then don't take care of those children. Then people like us who have jobs, who are well educated, who have homes with good school districts, who have close knit and loving families, who are sober and don't use drugs seem to have so much difficulty having children. It is so frustrating and unfair, and there's nothing that I can do about it but be upset and frustrated that I can't get pregnant.